I’m Caring for Your Cannabis on Christmas — Am I Your Girlfriend Now?

I wouldn’t take care of your kids if not.

Taru Anniina Liikanen
4 min readDec 26, 2021


Photo by Jeff W on Unsplash

“Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds.” -Robert Oppenheimer

No, seriously, I’m a plant killer of nuclear proportions.

I’m good at keeping animals alive, but anything that uses photosynthesis normally survives for about 7 days in my apartment.

It doesn't matter what kind of plant it is, I’m a guaranteed success.

I’ve been known to kill flowers by never watering them, or drowning out aloe veras and cacti. This should be impossible, but it’s not. I find the plant’s weak spot and attack it with precision, albeit unconsciously.

I have no explanation as to how I am this good at it, I just know I have a Midas touch that will kill any living thing on sight.

But this Christmas, I’m forced to make an effort. Because of a man.

I’m okay without commitment… But here’s the catch

Relationships are kind of funny. Sometimes, you’re both in the situation where you want commitment right away, and you get your I love yous out of the way in a matter of weeks.

I’m especially good at this. I’ve moved in with someone after dating for a couple of weeks. I’ve moved to another country with someone after two months.

Other times, you’re not interested in making things official. You just want to take your time, because you’re both busy and traumatized. And as long as you’re both on the same page, this kind of a situation can be great.

This is where I am right now. I’ve been seeing a man for a full seven months, usually once a week (excluding three weeks for my Covid infection). He’s exactly what I had asked for, someone I really like but who’s as busy as I am and can’t make time for somebody every day of the week.

Meeting or texting. I hate texting. I can’t be with someone who spends all day with their phone in their hand and expects me to do the same. I just can’t, and luckily he’s like me.

After seven months, this has led to a situation where we both know we’re not seeing other people, but we’re free…



Taru Anniina Liikanen

Finnish by birth, porteña at heart. Recovering political ghostwriter and comedian. Bad jokes my own.